Healing in the form of tears

Hi Sweet friends!

I went to see my Mom and Dad last night. It's October so I knew my Momma would be dealing with the anniversary of Marcia's death (she died on the 29th, buried on the 31st).

Monday night I could not sleep. So I did what I usually do when I end up staring at our bedroom ceiling while the hubs snores. I am surprised he didn't wake y'all up! ;) Sorry, back to the story....so, anyway there I was....staring at the ceiling and praying. My heart went to my Mom and the upcoming anniversary. While praying I felt 2 verses come to mind...and I determined that I would write her a sweet little letter reminding her of the promises of God. How very sweet of me. Huh?

So, yesterday when I found out my Dad had called Stephen and invited us over. I got out some cute little stationary and went about trying to write the letter. I got so far as 'Momma'. I researched the 2 scriptures and really wrestled over them. Now, in the light of day, I wondered if they'd be as meaningful as they were in my sleep deprived state. Anyway, didn't feel released to write anything. So, I put it away.

When we go over there, Dad and Stephen go and pick up dinner and Mom and I sit in den. In the past 6 years or so, this has been a time of Mom trying to 'bond' with me and usually ends up with me coming away with some deep wounds to deal with. So, truthfully, I have begged Stephen to not leave me there by myself.

He forgot that last night....Dad and Stephen leave....we are watching House Hunters International (ps...love that show - but someone PLEASE tell me what these people do to be able to afford these vacation homes! HELLO - their vacation home is nicer than my everyday home!!) and talking. She mentions it being October and that she is trying to keep her mind occupied. There is an awkward pause. God takes me to the feeling I have when we have friends over with kids and then they leave the house. The stark contrast between noise and laughter to then SILENCE....is at times overwhelming, gut wrenching, and painful. It's in these moments I grieve what I thought (and WANT!) my life would look like ... to what it actually looks like. Back to last night - my mind is screaming...say something, say something...but my heart is heavy with grief. So I tell her I can't imagine the pain she's in....I can relate on a small level to the suffering of not having one but not the lose of loosing a child. I launch into some well meaning answer about Marcia being in God's presence and how she's not in pain and she's been reunited with my Grandfather and they are having a party....and...

and then it happens.

Mom said, "I just miss her. I just wish I could see her".

Friends, can I tell you how much my heart broke for her? Suddenly, years of frustration and hurt seemed to melt away. Hard jagged edges that hurt when they hit me somehow softened. A heart was exposed. A hurting heart.

I cried when I got home. My heart calloused with years of hurt and betrayal suddenly soft and supple. I cried with tears of sadness mixed with tears of joy and thanksgiving. I am thankful that God's used the road I am on to soften my heart towards my Mom. I am grateful that while she's still alive I have the opportunity to build some sort of new relationship with her. I cried that for most of my life I've never understood this woman, but, finally in this moment....I seemed to 'get' her. She aches to hold and see Marcia...I ache to hold and see my children. Different, yet similar.

This is redemption. This is restoration. This is life giving.

What an amazing God we worship. He is faithful. He is trustworthy. He is amazing.