Hi Sweet friends!
I went to see my Mom and Dad last night. It's October so I knew my Momma would be dealing with the anniversary of Marcia's death (she died on the 29th, buried on the 31st).
Monday night I could not sleep. So I did what I usually do when I end up staring at our bedroom ceiling while the hubs snores. I am surprised he didn't wake y'all up! ;) Sorry, back to the story....so, anyway there I was....staring at the ceiling and praying. My heart went to my Mom and the upcoming anniversary. While praying I felt 2 verses come to mind...and I determined that I would write her a sweet little letter reminding her of the promises of God. How very sweet of me. Huh?
So, yesterday when I found out my Dad had called Stephen and invited us over. I got out some cute little stationary and went about trying to write the letter. I got so far as 'Momma'. I researched the 2 scriptures and really wrestled over them. Now, in the light of day, I wondered if they'd be as meaningful as they were in my sleep deprived state. Anyway, didn't feel released to write anything. So, I put it away.
When we go over there, Dad and Stephen go and pick up dinner and Mom and I sit in den. In the past 6 years or so, this has been a time of Mom trying to 'bond' with me and usually ends up with me coming away with some deep wounds to deal with. So, truthfully, I have begged Stephen to not leave me there by myself.
He forgot that last night....Dad and Stephen leave....we are watching House Hunters International (ps...love that show - but someone PLEASE tell me what these people do to be able to afford these vacation homes! HELLO - their vacation home is nicer than my everyday home!!) and talking. She mentions it being October and that she is trying to keep her mind occupied. There is an awkward pause. God takes me to the feeling I have when we have friends over with kids and then they leave the house. The stark contrast between noise and laughter to then SILENCE....is at times overwhelming, gut wrenching, and painful. It's in these moments I grieve what I thought (and WANT!) my life would look like ... to what it actually looks like. Back to last night - my mind is screaming...say something, say something...but my heart is heavy with grief. So I tell her I can't imagine the pain she's in....I can relate on a small level to the suffering of not having one but not the lose of loosing a child. I launch into some well meaning answer about Marcia being in God's presence and how she's not in pain and she's been reunited with my Grandfather and they are having a party....and...
and then it happens.
Mom said, "I just miss her. I just wish I could see her".
Friends, can I tell you how much my heart broke for her? Suddenly, years of frustration and hurt seemed to melt away. Hard jagged edges that hurt when they hit me somehow softened. A heart was exposed. A hurting heart.
I cried when I got home. My heart calloused with years of hurt and betrayal suddenly soft and supple. I cried with tears of sadness mixed with tears of joy and thanksgiving. I am thankful that God's used the road I am on to soften my heart towards my Mom. I am grateful that while she's still alive I have the opportunity to build some sort of new relationship with her. I cried that for most of my life I've never understood this woman, but, finally in this moment....I seemed to 'get' her. She aches to hold and see Marcia...I ache to hold and see my children. Different, yet similar.
This is redemption. This is restoration. This is life giving.
What an amazing God we worship. He is faithful. He is trustworthy. He is amazing.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Status Updates
I posted on my facebook status update that I was thankful for the life God's given me. After I typed it and posted it....I began to REALLY search my heart. Am I? Do I live my life with a heart of gratitude towards my Saviour for the AMAZING life He's given me?
On the surface - absolutely! But if I am really honest, not all of the time. Most of the time I am overwhelmed with laundry, dishes, housecleaning, a demanding career, a strong desire to do some kind of ministry, etc. I pray to God and ask Him to bless our household so we could afford this or that....then, as I clean whatever He blessed us with...I often murmur about how tired I am or how my back hurts.
Last night at small group I prayed for a sweet friend and her family regarding an upcoming trip to "the most magical place on earth". I prayed for her to stop and soak in life. Not to be so busy with making sure her husband and boys were taken care of, that she lost the precious moments in front of her. I prayed for to make lots of happy memories.
As my friends all left and house was quiet, I felt God convict me of the same. He gently reminded me that it isn't ultimately about a clean house....rather did the people who lived in the house feel loved? Did I introduce them to Him? His loving character?
It isn't ultimately waiting to do ministry until I am at my goal weight. It's about imparting the word of God to those around me at my current weight.
And in a very silly way, it isn't about waiting to go to the pumpkin patch until we have children. It's about going to the pumpkin patch now and living each day to the absolute fullest for HIS glory.
I guess what I am trying to say, is a thankful heart is one who does everything out of a posture of worship. I will straighten my house while thanking Him for his provisions, I will minister to others while praising Him that I have victory with my weight struggles and I will joyfully go to the pumpkin patch believing in His promise to me that we will have children one day.
I will thank Him for what I have instead of questioning Him on what I don't have.
So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. 1 Cor. 10:31
And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:17
On the surface - absolutely! But if I am really honest, not all of the time. Most of the time I am overwhelmed with laundry, dishes, housecleaning, a demanding career, a strong desire to do some kind of ministry, etc. I pray to God and ask Him to bless our household so we could afford this or that....then, as I clean whatever He blessed us with...I often murmur about how tired I am or how my back hurts.
Last night at small group I prayed for a sweet friend and her family regarding an upcoming trip to "the most magical place on earth". I prayed for her to stop and soak in life. Not to be so busy with making sure her husband and boys were taken care of, that she lost the precious moments in front of her. I prayed for to make lots of happy memories.
As my friends all left and house was quiet, I felt God convict me of the same. He gently reminded me that it isn't ultimately about a clean house....rather did the people who lived in the house feel loved? Did I introduce them to Him? His loving character?
It isn't ultimately waiting to do ministry until I am at my goal weight. It's about imparting the word of God to those around me at my current weight.
And in a very silly way, it isn't about waiting to go to the pumpkin patch until we have children. It's about going to the pumpkin patch now and living each day to the absolute fullest for HIS glory.
I guess what I am trying to say, is a thankful heart is one who does everything out of a posture of worship. I will straighten my house while thanking Him for his provisions, I will minister to others while praising Him that I have victory with my weight struggles and I will joyfully go to the pumpkin patch believing in His promise to me that we will have children one day.
I will thank Him for what I have instead of questioning Him on what I don't have.
So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. 1 Cor. 10:31
And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:17
Monday, October 10, 2011
Monday! Monday! Monday! ..... Reflections
Covenant Friendships
So get this, I walk into church yesterday and right before the message starts. They say there will be a special guest speaker. Guess. Who. It. Was?
John. Maxwell.
While I realize he's just a man....he's someone I've read and incorporated many of his leadership/relationship principles into my life. I really respect him. I really respect the anointing that is on his life.
So, needless to say....I was interested in what he had to say.
I HIGHLY recommend you watch the service. I have no idea who to link or hyperlink...but, send me an email and I'll send it to you! (that I do know how to do!)
I started to type out all of my sermon notes...but, then I deleted them because you have other things to do than read my notes. The gist? Most friendships fail because we don't have a strong enough commitment to that relationship. Our goal should be to raise the level of commitment from convenience to covenant.
He told a story about a couple of years ago when he had a heart attack. The docs told him to clear his schedule for 6 months. He instantly started thinking of all the people he'd have to let down by canceling the speaking engagements. Shortly thereafter, his phone rang and it was his friend Jack Hayford. Jack called and told him that he would fulfill each of John's speaking engagements for the next 6 months. He made John promise to let him carry that load, John found himself asking how he deserved that kind of friend. That's a covenant friendship, one not based out of convenience but grounded in unconditional love and commitment.
He challenged us that everyday we either made deposits into our friendships or withdrawals. We are either +'s or -'s. We have to be intentional to have a covenant friendship. Being that everyone is selfish, we have to go out of our way to invest in the friendship.
He ended it by telling a very compelling story about his dad. It really touched my heart.
I am so eternally grateful for my covenant friends. You each bless my life immeasurably and I love each of you.
So get this, I walk into church yesterday and right before the message starts. They say there will be a special guest speaker. Guess. Who. It. Was?
John. Maxwell.
While I realize he's just a man....he's someone I've read and incorporated many of his leadership/relationship principles into my life. I really respect him. I really respect the anointing that is on his life.
So, needless to say....I was interested in what he had to say.
I HIGHLY recommend you watch the service. I have no idea who to link or hyperlink...but, send me an email and I'll send it to you! (that I do know how to do!)
I started to type out all of my sermon notes...but, then I deleted them because you have other things to do than read my notes. The gist? Most friendships fail because we don't have a strong enough commitment to that relationship. Our goal should be to raise the level of commitment from convenience to covenant.
He told a story about a couple of years ago when he had a heart attack. The docs told him to clear his schedule for 6 months. He instantly started thinking of all the people he'd have to let down by canceling the speaking engagements. Shortly thereafter, his phone rang and it was his friend Jack Hayford. Jack called and told him that he would fulfill each of John's speaking engagements for the next 6 months. He made John promise to let him carry that load, John found himself asking how he deserved that kind of friend. That's a covenant friendship, one not based out of convenience but grounded in unconditional love and commitment.
He challenged us that everyday we either made deposits into our friendships or withdrawals. We are either +'s or -'s. We have to be intentional to have a covenant friendship. Being that everyone is selfish, we have to go out of our way to invest in the friendship.
He ended it by telling a very compelling story about his dad. It really touched my heart.
I am so eternally grateful for my covenant friends. You each bless my life immeasurably and I love each of you.
Friday, October 7, 2011
When Friends aren't Friends
This post is hard for me to write. Those of you who know me know that I am a connector and fall into the habit of trusting everyone with my heart until they tell me they aren't worthy of trust. And usually that it takes many times, many dissapointments and hurts before I protect my heart. Many days, I wish I wasn't like this. But, then again, I am glad that I am....because in some strange way, I know that loving people is how God made me.
Well. I am there. Friends who said they had my back, didn't. I guess they never did, really. Years - mind you. So many times going around this same mountain. And then it happens...not an offense mind you. Just the picture coming into HD. Crisp. Clear. *facepalm*
I am not hurt or offended. Sad? Sure. But, then again I am not. I am glad that I've been able to see the situation for what it is! And that's ok. Because, I am better off for knowing them. And better off for experiencing this.
We just started a sermon at my church called Covenant. This Sunday we are talking about Covenant Friendships. I am excited and will be posting on Monday my "reflections!" :)
Happy Weekend....oh, and it's homecoming here at the UA...so ROLL TIDE!
Well. I am there. Friends who said they had my back, didn't. I guess they never did, really. Years - mind you. So many times going around this same mountain. And then it happens...not an offense mind you. Just the picture coming into HD. Crisp. Clear. *facepalm*
I am not hurt or offended. Sad? Sure. But, then again I am not. I am glad that I've been able to see the situation for what it is! And that's ok. Because, I am better off for knowing them. And better off for experiencing this.
We just started a sermon at my church called Covenant. This Sunday we are talking about Covenant Friendships. I am excited and will be posting on Monday my "reflections!" :)
Happy Weekend....oh, and it's homecoming here at the UA...so ROLL TIDE!
Blog Theme?? Nah.
So, it's been a while. Sorry about that. It's not that I haven't thought about blogging. Because I have. I guess I've just been trying to figure out what I want this blog site to be about.
Truth is, I am no closer to an answer. I love so many of my friends blogs and struggle with blog insecurity....yes, I just admitted that! :) But, I don't know what I could write about with as passion other than God and life. No, that isn't a religious comment. I don't pretend to be perfect, or have it all together, or even know what the heck I am doing most days. But, the truth is...I've missed processing life with you. My head always seems a little bit clearer after I've typed it out. So, if it's ok with you, I think I'll just leave this as non-theme oriented. And whatever strikes my fancy to write about I will. And my hope, my prayer is that it will in some way point you to God.
because in the most non-religious way possible....He IS what it's all about.
Truth is, I am no closer to an answer. I love so many of my friends blogs and struggle with blog insecurity....yes, I just admitted that! :) But, I don't know what I could write about with as passion other than God and life. No, that isn't a religious comment. I don't pretend to be perfect, or have it all together, or even know what the heck I am doing most days. But, the truth is...I've missed processing life with you. My head always seems a little bit clearer after I've typed it out. So, if it's ok with you, I think I'll just leave this as non-theme oriented. And whatever strikes my fancy to write about I will. And my hope, my prayer is that it will in some way point you to God.
because in the most non-religious way possible....He IS what it's all about.
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