Cha...Cha...Changes

Change is inevitable and most of the time I can find my way through it...but, sometimes so much change happens at one time that I want to crawl in the fetal position, suck my thumb and rock myself to sleep.

2010 was a year of change for me. So many friends left to persue great opportunities and so many rolls were redefined in my life...that, well....I went into overload. "Initiate shut-down sequence" ... 5...4....3....2....1. And so it went for the last few months.

But, with the new year comes new hope and clearer realizations. Just as after a rainy day or week, the sunshine looks gorgeous...so does my God look GORGEOUS to me. He NEVER let go of me. In fact, this last December, He and I spent a fantastic weekend in Birmingham together. It totally rocked my heart to the core. He's so good.

One of the biggest moments was when I realized that (brace yourself) I didn't trust God. Didn't trust that He had my best interests at heart, didn't trust that He would be my Protector. He's talked to me about this for awhile now. And I halfway listened. You know how it is, you hear God and you run to the alter....give it over again .. and truely give most of it. But I thought I could retain 5%....???? ;-)

While worshiping at this retreat, God told me He wanted my heart. All of it. Every dream, disappointment, fear, failure, scratch, bump, every success I created, every worry, every hurt I given out or received. He wanted it all. He wanted to my innermost thoughts. He wanted intimacy. He wanted me to trust Him. He. wanted. ME.

First thing...Let's think about this....the MAKER of the UNIVERSE wants ME. Seriously? I caught myself quickly scanning my heart and judging it unworthy (...as if I could EVER do ANYTHING to be worthy of HIS love and affection)...

Secondly, I've always seen God as my Savior...but, not so much as my protector. Let's face it, I made a decision that I had to protect my heart myself and that I couldn't really rely on anyone else. Unfortunately, I let some deep wounds and lies from Hell convince me that God didn't really "have my back". (note to self....hey Susanna- ever heard of JESUS? I am pretty sure he has your back!)

Ever so gently, He broke me. Ever so graciously, He corrected my false doctrine.

So, sobbing and all...I saw myself hand over my beating heart over to God. He's got my back, my sides and my front.

The Irony ... He's always had them. I am just late to the dance.